your thong is hanging out like whoa
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
