Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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