like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
