hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
