i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
