yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
