Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
