Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
