Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
