Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
