I am spending my child support on dildos
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
