i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
