Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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