walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
