I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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