I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
