At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
