Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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