my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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