Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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