Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
