Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
