I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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