We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
