dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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