Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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