My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
