Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
ok first of all what the fuck
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
