To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
