I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
