I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
