She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
