Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
