just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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