I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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