at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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