i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My Sexting was not on an AP level
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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