Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
