Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
