oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
