I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
