He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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