I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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