The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
