Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
