Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
