This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
