I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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