Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
