I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
