This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
