i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
